conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
