My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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