I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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