He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
