so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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