I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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