I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
