1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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