Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
