Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize