he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
