Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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