I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
