I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
