What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
