My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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