I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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