I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
