I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
