Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
