her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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