I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
