Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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