My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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