Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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