i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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