A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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