Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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