After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
false alarm. still invincible.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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