just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
