This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
