dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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