my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't deserve a penis
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
