dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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