so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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