During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
