Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
