I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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