My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
