Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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