Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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