So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
