she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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