I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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