My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
