she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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