Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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