You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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