Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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