I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
