my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
