my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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