I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
