Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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