The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
