Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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