I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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