just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
