Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
