nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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