Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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