he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this boner is exhausting
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
