My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
