Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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