Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
