Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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