Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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